January 8, 2019
Lister is pregnant! How is he coping? Takes place between series 2 and 3.
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Chapter one Deb’s message
Lister sat on Rimmer’s bunk and stroked his ever growing belly. In a months’ time he will have given birth to twin boys and he couldn’t wait for the pregnancy to be over.
He had lost his figure, everything had to be clean, and he had a wired craving for milk. Naturally he had to stop eating curries for a while and that was killing him. He was also sick every morning and Rimmer teased him enflessly about the whole thing every day.
With a sigh Lister felt the babies kick and decided to lie back down on the bed. Since he had been three months pregnant he and Rimmer had swapped bunks so Lister wouldn’t have to climb up.
Lister felt like he needed more milk and summoned a Skutter to get him some. As the Skutter returned with the milk Holly’s face projected on the screen. “All right Dave?” He asked. “Same old,” Lister replied without thinking. “How’s the pregnancy getting on?” Holly asked. “Is it bad as women say it is?” he wanted to know.
“Of course it is,” Lister found himself snapping. “Do you know how long I’ve been without beer now Hol? I’m going mad,” he moaned. “Well at least you got your milk,” Holly said trying to be positive. “What do you want Hol?” Lister asked. “Oh yeah, I knew I came to see you for something,” Holly realised as Lister rolled his eyes. “Are you sure your IQ is 6,000 and not 6 Hol?” he asked as he sat up in bed again. Holly ignored him. “I’ve set up the Hop Drive again. You’ve got a message from your parallel self,” Holly told him. “Deb?” Dave asked. “Brutal. Put her on,” he told Holly who did so. “All right Dave?” Deb asked a moment later as her image projected onto the screen.
“Al right Deb?” Lister asked Deb’s image on the monitor. “How’s the pregnancy? My, you’re huge Dave. You look like you swallowed a planet,” Deb teased with a grin. “Oh don’t you tease me too. I’ve had enough jokes from Rimmer thank you very much,” Lister said as he rolled his eyes. “Well I won’t keep you, just wanted to see how you’re doing,” Deb said. Lister smiled. “I’m good as far as things go, thanks,” he said gratefully. “Say hi to the little one from me. I gotta go. I’ll message you again soon Dave,” Deb told him. “Yeah. See ya,” Lister replied before her image went blurry and faded away. Then Holly’s face appeared on the screen once more. “How was it?” he asked. Lister shrugged. “Just the usual joke,” Lister replied as he finished his milk.
Chapter 2: Who’s the uncle?
“Ah Listy, good day today I trust?” Rimmer asked as he entered the sleeping quarters. Lister sighed and lay back down on his bunk. “What d’you want Rimmer?” he asked his dead bunk mate grouchily. “Just wanted to see how you and the little one are getting on,” Rimmer replied before leaning his head against Lister’s stomach. “Ah marvellous! Any kicks today Lister?” Rimmer asked as he stood up again. “Yeah. Woke me up this afternoon,” Lister told him. “Everything’s coming on nicely. Soon I’ll be an uncle! Whose going to raise the baby, you or Deb?” Rimmer asked. Lister shrugged. “Don’t know yet, but we’ll figure something out,” he said.
The Lister felt a kick. “It’s kicking,” he said as he placed a hand on his stomach. Rimmer grinned. “Amazing. Soon you’ll be giving birth and I’ll be an uncle!” Rimmer said.
“You? An uncle? No way Rimmer, not a chance are you going to be my kids’ uncle. Not even if you were the last man on this spaceship,” Lister told him.
Rimmer folded his arms across his chest. “So who else is equipped to be your babys’ uncle? Holly, with the IQ of 6, or Cat, part Cat and part human. That’ll be a good one to explain to your baby wouldn’t it? What are you gonna say, ‘oh by the way your uncles part cat, but don’t be alarmed he acts like a cat in a man’s body.’ Yeah, that’ll work,” Rimmer said with a raised eyebrow.
“Oi, I heard what you said about me,” Holly said as his face appeared onscreen again. “Whatever,” Rimmer said. “Look I don’t know what you’re all thinking, but none of you is going to be my baby’s uncle alright?” he asked.
“Aaoioowww,” came another voice from down the corridor. Everyone turned to see Cat enter the room wearing a pink suit. “Hey guys!” He greeted them excitedly. “Who looks great today? Me!” he said proudly.
Then he saw the serious looks on everyone’s faces. “What’s going on, buds?” he asked. “I was just saying that none of you will be my babys’ uncle, ok?” Lister told him. Cat looked defeated. “But he’s gotta have someone to look up to. I mean, he needs someone to teach him fashion, and how to look good in a crisis,” Cat protested.
Lister looked at everyone on each no, ‘no, no, and definitely no,” he said pointing to Rimmer. “Well there’s no pleasing some people,” Cat said haughtily as he left the sleeping quarters.
Chapter three the birth
The next day Lister woke in pain. He felt like he couldn’t move, and his breathing was starting to come in quick gasps. He then realised he was beginning to have contractions. “Rimmer! Holly! Wake up! I think I’m beginning to go into labour!” Lister exclaimed. The lights went on and Rimmer leapt from his bed as Holly’s face appeared on the screen. “Alright Dave?” Holly asked. Lister glared at him. “Im about to give birth you doughnut and all you can ask is “am I alright?” Lister groaned. “Well I don’t know anything about childbirth as I’m a computer. All I know is that it’s very painful,” Holly told him.
“Thanks Hol,” Lister said as he rolled his eyes while Rimmer fetched some Skutters. “All right Skutters,” Rimmer told them. “Pull Lister onto the bed and bring him to the medi bay,” Rimmer told them. “Thanks Rimmer,” Lister moaned as he clutched his stomach.
Chapter 4 twin boys
A few hours later an exhausted Lister sat up in bed in the medi bay holding his twin boys in his arms. They both look so cute, he thought as he gazed down lovingly at them. The birth went surprisingly well, it took a few hours of pain that Lister will never forget. But it was worth it he thought as he stroked the cheek of his newborn sons.
“Aaaaooowww!” came a familiar voice as Cat entered the room with grapes. “Hey bud got you something,” Cat said as he left the grapes on the table next to Lister. Lister put a finger to his lips. “Sssshhh, they’re sleeping,” he told him. “Oh right,” Cat winced quietly. “Glad you’re okay bud. That sounded painful with a capital p,” Cat said. “Have you ever thought about wanting babies Cat?” Lister asked. “Sure. As soon as I settle down with a few girls who right for me, then the sooner we’ll have babies,” Cat told him.
“Where’s Rimmer?” Lister asked. “He went to see how the diesel pipes are working and said he’ll be back to visit later with photos,” Cat explained. Lister groaned. “Oh no, no photos man. He’s torturing me you know,” he told Cat.
“Just say your babies need to sleep. That’ll get you out of it,” Cat suggested. “Good idea Cat. Or I might be the one who needs sleep,” he told him.
“When’re you back on your feet?” Cat asked. “In a few days. The Skutters need to look after me and them,” Lister said quietly as he gestured to his boys. “Okay. See you then bud. I’m off exploring,” Cat said before he left the room, and once again Lister was left with his two adorable twin boys. Lister smiled. He felt whole again, like he had a purpose. He held his boys close to him and vowed he would never let them go.