A Crazy Little Moody/ Mulder fan fic.
Pamela Joy Stafford
November 4, 2017
Hank Moody ends up in Mulder's Life and is abducted- comedy.
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A Crazy Little Moody/Mulder Fan Fic
Dedicated to the “Hanging with Moody” Group
Hank Moody knew he was having a dream. He had crazy real dreams which he always contributed to being a fiction writer and not over indulgence in alcohol, drugs or women. Over the years there were two type of dreams which, no matter how real they seemed, he knew they were dreams. In one dream he was in a bar seeking advice from a bartender who was actually a iconic rock producer and friend who had died too young. In another he was in a Catholic Church and a gorgeous nun performed sex acts on him, to him, with him - depending on the specific dream. So even though he thought he had woken up, drank a cup of coffee, spoke to his daughter and grandchildren by phone, and was driving to meet his agent, when he was suddenly in a Catholic Church and looking at a gorgeous nun, he realized he must be dreaming.
She was gorgeous; although a little older than most of the nuns in his dreams, but he was getting older himself and surely she was age appropriate. Her skin was milky white and her eyes blue and her lips, which were pursing up a little, seemed to be the shape that could take his little Hank and take him to Heaven; although he always realized at some point that it was exactly this reoccurring dream more than anything else that meant he was really on his way to Hell. She was talking to him, but it never really mattered what they said. She would take off her habit, shake her hair and then bend down.
“Agent Mulder?” The nun was not taking off her habit and instead was looking at his disapprovingly.
Who in the hell was Agent Mulder? That is when he realized he was wearing a suit. His hair seemed to be short and was he carrying a concealed piece? This was a different dream altogether. He looked back at the nun. She shakes her head like she is a real nun in a Catholic Church and not a sexy nun vixen.
“I understand that Father O’Brian’s autopsy showed he died of a brain lesions which had existed for some time and his belief that he was seeing ghosts was improbable and likely hallucinations due to the brain lesions. You and your partner have decided to close the case, but if anyone sees any other apparitions we should call you immediately.”
“Ok.” Moody was still disoriented and confused about the dream. The phone in his pocket rang and he answered. The name that came up said “Scully.” The nun noticed and said, “please thank your partner for me. Excuse me I have to go.”
Moody answered the phone hesitantly. “Hello.”
“Mulder” Moody knew that the woman on the other end was someone he or rather this “Mulder” was off again / on again intimate. She had the tone Karen always had even after their various attempts at reconciliation had failed; that tone which was as upset with herself for loving him as him for not measuring up to what she wanted him to be. He decided to play along with the dream.
“Scully?” Moody wondered if these were first names or lasts.
“Where the hell are you?”
“I”m at a church. Father O’Brien’s autopsy showed he died of bran lesions.”
“ I know . I did the autopsy. I’m the one that asked you to go Sister Agnes.”
“You do autopsies?”
“Yes.” Scully’s voice was growing weary. Moody/ Mulder thought it was pretty exciting to think about a woman who completed autopsies for a living.
“How fucking cool is that?”
“Mulder, are you ok?” Now Scully’s voice took on the tone that Karen used when she realized that Moody was drunk or stoned or she had reached him when there was more than one naked woman in his bed. He put on the same tone as he always did with Karen in these circumstances and lied.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, it should not have taken you that long to complete this short errand. There’s been an increase in UFO reports in the area. I’m waiting for you at the office.”
“Little green men? Ok, that’s odd. What office?”
“Our basement office in FBI headquarters where we have worked for decades chasing those little green and mostly grey men at your insistence. Your life work, remember? What the hell’s the matter with you?”
Moody just had to ask. “Scully, are we married?”
There is dead silence on the line for a long minute. “No, Mulder. You never asked.”
Ok, but Moody knew they had a child together. This was a baby mama. She had that tone. Then he remembered he didn’t have to be afraid of her. This was a dream. “Scully, what are you wearing?”
“I have my gun and my back up gun and that is all you need to be concerned about. I’ve shot you before and I can shoot you again. Get the hell over here. This is no time for playing. These reports are creditable. Got it?”
“On my way, Scully,” Moody is far more afraid of this dream baby mama than he was of any his actual real life baby mamas. He just had to ask someone where the FBI headquarters is located. He was outside now walking and passed a car window. His reflection took him by surprised. The suit was not bad. He found a FBI I D in his pocket. He was disappointed in himself. A professional writer, he thought he should be able to do better imagining a first name than “Fox.” He practiced pulling both his gun and his badge out of his pocket in the mirror. “FBI, F…B….I..” He realized people were looking and he proceeded on.
Then there was a light, bright light which seemed to be coming from the sky. It was cylinder shaped and red lights were around the outer edge of the cylinder but the bright white light shone down and suddenly he was being lifted, lifted, lifted.
Then he had flashes. He was himself again back in Los Angeles and about to make love to a beautiful woman and then he was back being lifted and then back giving the woman a shot gun of marijuana and then memories seems to crowd his brain as if he was himself and this Mulder simultaneously. His face was being stretched and his chest was being sliced open and he started to scream; screaming for the only woman he had ever loved, “Scully.”
He was unconscious and conscious again. His first thought was that Mulder could not have taken being abducted again. It would have killed him and he was glad that they had switched places, because he now believed that is what had happened. They traded places because Mulder could not have tolerated this experience again. It made no sense to him, but he got the sense that Mulder would be able to understand and explain it and that, no matter how good the explanation, Scully would never believe him. Women are the same no matter what, Moody thinks, and then he looks up to see five shapely, scantily dressed, beautiful, exotic and strange women surrounding him.
They all seemed to be similar but vastly dissimilar. They were all 5′2, petite in the extreme, with beautiful red hair and strikingly blue eyes, They were identical except one was actually green, one gray, one purple, one half back and half white and one white earthling pink color but she had three boobs and a tail of some sort. Their outfits were similar; a strap around the middle of their breast which held their boobs in place and hid the nipple but left little else to the imagination and a thong type bottom- and how could women this small and petite have such round bottoms and perfectly shaped legs? He was distracted and pleased and horny and thought this made up for the nun who was far less interesting than most of his dreamed nuns.
The grey female spoke. “You will not be harmed and we are not here to conduct experiments. We are a coalition of women who have defied our planet’s leaders to come to find you, Agent Mulder. I guess its obvious we are descendants of Agent Scully.”
Wait… “Am I your father?”
The ladies giggled. The one with the third boob and the tail now spoke. “No, not at all. Our fathers are all from our five individual planets. Some of Agent Scully’s Ova was given to our planet for our fathers to impregnate so we would be born. It was believed that human DNA would strengthen our planet’s DNA against diseases. We have been genetically manipulated so we are more half cloned from Scully. This was done so we conceive only once and all at the same time. That time is now. We are ready to conceive.”
Moody nods. “Far out, then. Are the fathers on board?”
The ladies giggled again. “We were each supposed to mate with our planets’ leaders, but being clones of Scully’s we could not do that. We have revolted and are here to be impregnated by the only man we could ever desire. You, Mulder, we want you to impregnate each of us. “
Moody looks at the five most attractive, exotic women he has ever seen and cannot believe what he is about to say. “Ladies, I can’t…”
Now the green one speaks. “We understand you are getting older. You can rest in between.”
“No, I mean, I can, but I can’t. I’ve been snipped- just shooting blanks.”
“You lie” the purple Scully like creature exclaims. “We have closely monitored you for many years.”
“Yeah, but I’m not actually Mulder. I’m Hank Moody.”
Suddenly he is grabbed by the purple and half-black / half white women and the green rubs an instrument over his junk and holds it up for the reading. The disappointment on the women’s faces is apparent. “it is not just that we will never bear children, but we are so horny with hormones and we have all thought only of being with Fox Mulder and no one else for so long.”
Moody hates to see a lady in distressed let alone five. “Well, I guess I look like him.”
The purple female rubbed his biceps and bit her lips. He was about to make five lonely, horny female aliens very happy .
He hears her calling his name from far away. He wakes up. He is leaning on the external church wall. She rubs her hand through his hair to check for brain injury. she pulls a small flashlight out of her pocket and has him follow it with his eyes.
“I had the strangest dream, Scully. I was a writer living in California and…” he stops. How could he tell her that he dreamt that women were drawn to him and that he had sex multiple times in one day with women of different ages and shapes . There was something so damn attractive about everyone of them and they all wanted him. Even worse would be to tell her that in the midst of this he thought he was being abducted by aliens but ended up back in bed with a tall blonde and smoking pot with her. Instead he pulls her close and looks in her eyes.
“If i was offered the opportunity to have sex with as many women as i wanted - all beautiful, of different ages, hell, even if they were all exotic colors and had three boobs, do you know what i would say?”
“Mulder, is this from one of your movies?”
“No, Scully, it’s just that the only woman I would ever want to have sex with is you.”
Mulder stares into her eyes before he kisses her.
Moody wakes up in bed with a blonde woman in California. He quietly dresses and leaves her. On the way back home he calls his agent. He wants him to set up meetings with the studios. He has a science fiction theme plot line he wants to pitch.