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Holy Cow

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 Written by
David Duchovny

A cow named Elsie discovers that she will be killed. She then decides to escape the farm and go to India, after learning that cows are sacred in this country.

- Elsie (the cow)
- Jerry, aka Shalom (the pig)
- Tom (the turkey)
- Joe (the camel)

- The difference in mind between man and the higher animals, great as it is, certainly is one of degree and not of kind. (Charles Darwin)
- Most people think cows can't think. Hello.
- Now personally, I think it's a little weird to drink another animal's milk. You don't see me walking up to some human lady who just gave birth, saying, "Yo, can I get a taste?"
- Give me a moment as I think about my mother. Feelings come and go, unless you don't feel them. Then they stay, and hurt, and grow pear-shaped and weird. So when we cows have a feeling, we feel it, till the feeling passes. Then we moo-ve on. Boom. Didn't see that coming, did you?
- I recall the days of my childhood through the green grass-colored lens of nostalgia. It all seems so far away and so perfect. Every day a sunny day, even the rainy ones.
- And see how that whole scene was kinda written in what's called "screenplay form"? My editor loves that stuff. Big-shot Hollywood producers take note, this practically shoots itself.
- Selfies, they call 'em, and that makes sens 'cause even though they're sending these pictures to others, it still smells like selfish to me. Is that why they call it an "I phone"? 'Cause it's all about me me me.
- "One small step for cow, one giant leap for cowkind..."
- "Don't hate. Hate is like a poison you make for your enemy that you end up swallowing yourself."
- Do you know I love you to the nth degree?
- Jerry: It's a long story, some say the greatest story ever told, but basically, Jews are Christians with longer sideburns. And a better sense of humor.
- Elsie: You're a bird that can't fly. You're an oxymoron.
- Why is it that when we're leaving something is the moment we most appreciate it?
- But I had to go. When I turned, the pig was looking at me. And he said, "It's hard to leave anywhere. Even if the place sucked. It's hard to leave anywhere at all."
- There is something in man that loves a wall, but what wall menders and fence builders do not get is that when they fence something out, they are also fencing themselves in. Not one but two prisons are made by one wall.

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By Jack Anderson on November 4, 2017

The author had me at "Hello", literally. The 8th word is "Hello". The first chapters are really clever and extremely funny, even though the book becomes quickly less interesting. The writing is extremely self-conscious and unashamedly fast. The story is very fun, although the subject is actually very dark. But how can we not fall for a lovely cow named Elsie?

What I disliked about the book is that the author thinks the audience will not get all his references. Therefore, he keeps explaining each one. He makes a joke about a Pink Floyd album? Then he must tell you this was about Pink Floyd. He explains what a vinyl is, and at one point, I feel that he thinks I am, as a reader, stupid. Especially since most of his references are not far fetched and that difficult. Who needs to explain pop culture references? This is something I did not like.

I really loved the Jewish humor in this book. The pig wanting to get circumsized before going to Israel was just one of many imaginative and funny scenes.

Even though the cow leaves her farm, getting to her final destination would have been the beginning of the second act. Unfortunately, we are simply waiting and waiting and waiting for her to reach her destination. And this is actually the end of the book.

No, I will not keep this book in my book shelf.

I give it 5 out of 10. Good.

LOL funny
By Muldersgram on November 6, 2017

I loved this book. I read the book awhile ago and then downloaded it from Audible and let David read it too me! Awesome! I want to be like Elsie!

Funny and more
By Gruic on April 20, 2018

I read the book in one evening. It was funny but also satiric. Elsie has a very interesting vision of the world and I share a lot of common points with David Duchovny and his vision. A smart guy for sure.

No pictures in the gallery.

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David Duchovny itw in Real Time with Bill Maher
by Jack Anderson on 2019-02-03 08:19:19 ET
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Last post by Jack Anderson
48 days ago

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